Archive | November, 2015

THE HARRY PERZIGIAN JOKEBOOK

15 Nov
031
 Today would’ve been my best friend’s 60th birthday – rather than go through the usual rigmarole of rehashing everything that has happened before, I’m going to go all Captain Light of Heart today and just share with you some of these unopened e-mails that Harry sent me that have been lying around forever. I thought to myself, ‘why not put these to better use and share them with the rest of your blog audience, who seem to have nothing to do than to park their ass on this ONE SINGLE BLOG ENTRY, “ONE MOURNING LATER IN THE EXTRAORDINARY AFTERLIFE OF HARRY PERZIGIAN” which as of this posting has 427 reads.
OK, OK, I get it – you all love Harry Perzigian – OR you hate his worm chewed decomposing guts – BUT the facts remains: YOU WANT MORE HARRY PERZIGIAN!! You appreciate reading about him on this amateur blog hour more than you appreciate my blog postings about my Yes Blogs, Heroes of K-Scope Music, My Deposit Man Comic Book updates, or my dirty dealings with washed up porn star drug addicts (speaking of which, an idea just sprung to mind of doing some research into the life of another failed porn actress that used to live with Harry by the name of Danielle Martin and make a blog out of that one day).
I tried to change my ways, I truly did. BUT since you can’t stop logging on that same fucking post day after day after day – I’m just going to have to conform and give you more……HARRY PERZIGIAN.
So in honor of my dearest friend I made in all of Los Angeles, I present to you a few entries from the private e-mail account of  Harry Perzigian.
Joke # 1
Marriage counselor visit

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out
some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.”
The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick.”
Joke # 2

As they arrived for a much-hyped meeting with the President last Friday afternoon, Speaker of the House John Boehner spotted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid approaching just a few steps from the Oval Office. According to “multiple sources,” Boehner pointed his finger at Reid and without any other fanfare said, “Go fuck yourself.” When Reid asked him what he was talking about, Boehner simply repeated his curse and moved on.

Joke # 3

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.

But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”

Joke # 4

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the assholes’ name.

3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!

Joke # 5

.*(I added 1 of my own at the end) hp

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.  It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent  the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it  grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch  except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about  how you call a dog….. ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,  Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat..’Bun-bun, come to daddy,  snookums!’ Jeeez, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured,  you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw  oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking  lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet;  he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as  Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Frappe’ or a  ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different  types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be  handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his  brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out Chartreuse you’re  gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you  are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to  tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs  that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or  hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the  verge of being a pillow-biting salami smuggler.

AND..if you refer to “NOOKIE DAY” as “VALENTINES DAY” you are a turd-burgularing nut-sniffer

Joke # 6 (well, technically not really a joke, but Harry makes a funny observation at the end)

Have you ever..

…wondered why Coke comes with a smile? Because it gets you  high. They removed the cocaine almost 100 years ago. Why? It was  redundant.

In the first 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor,
allowing you to keep it down.

20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its  hands on into fat. (And there’s plenty of that at this  particular  moment.)

40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your  pupils dilate; your blood pressure rises; as a response, your liver dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your  brain are now  blocked, preventing drowsiness.

45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production,  stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is  physically the same way  heroin works, by the way.

60 minutes: The phosphoric acid  binds calcium,  magnesium, and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a  further boost in  metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and  artificial sweeteners  also increasing the urinary excretion of  calcium.

60 minutes: The caffeine’s  diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured  that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium, and zinc that was headed to  your bones as well as  sodium, electrolytes, and water.

60 minutes: As the rave inside you dies down, you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become  irritable and/or sluggish.  You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that  was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for  things like rehydrating your system, or building strong bones and teeth.

I wonder what else coke can do?

And lastly, Joke # 7

 

homo slackass

They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to emulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

 

Advertisements

THE HEROES OF KSCOPE MUSIC III: AKA GAZPACHO: THE PERFECT NORWEGIAN INGREDIENTS FOR A PERFECT PROG SOUP SERVED COLD

5 Nov

maxresdefault

In part three of my Heroes of Kscope Music series of artist profiles we explore the beauty and wonder of the Norwegian progressive rock band, Gazpacho, in celebration of their new studio release, Molok.

Gazpacho to me is a band who writes serious music with hauntingly beautiful cryptic lyrics – just the way I was raised in life since high school in order to enhance my appreciation for all things progressive rock. I’ve been hooked onto this band since 2009 or so ever since I came across their Tick Tock album released on a different label and from that initial first listen I was instantly floored by their soft melodic  approach to minimalism blended with flourishes of ethnic music, dark percussive instrumentation, and atmospheric and keyboards interspersed with velvety Leonard Cohen inspired vocalizations that defies  concentration to fully understand what they are trying to convey to their mostly European audiences. Some of their music is deeply rooted in psychological concepts storywise and is quite engaging lyrically.

I’ve been sticking with them through thick and thin since their 2009 release, Tick Tock. Their next studio release the following year in 2010, Missa Atropos was captured contractually  to the Kscope label and each release since then has revolved on difficult to explain subject matter. For space limitations, I will only be covering their history of releases from 2009 through the present (although 2007’s Night has been remastered and re-released on Kscope a couple of years back).

background1

(portions of the following are taken from Wikipedia)

Gazpacho are an art rock band from Oslo, Norway.

The original core band of Jan-Henrik Ohme (vocals), Jon-Arne Vilbo (guitars) and Thomas Andersen (keyboards, programming, producer) started making music together in 1996 and the band has since expanded with Mikael Krømer (violin, co-producer), Lars Erik Asp (drums) and Kristian Torp (bass).

Gazpacho’s music has been described by one critic as being “classical post ambient nocturnal atmospheric neo-progressive folk world rock”. The music has been compared to A-ha, Radiohead, Marillion and Porcupine Tree.

Childhood friends Jon-Arne Vilbo and Thomas Andersen had played together in a band called Delerium before, which in their own words “whittled away.”[ After several years of separation, the two friends met again and started making music together again. Andersen had met Jan-Henrik Ohme through his work as radio commercial producer and brought him into the jam sessions, which laid the foundation for Gazpacho as it exists today.

11232129_10153238522259139_8729743381764570399_n

The band name comes from an attempt to describe their music.

Andersen: “We are a very unlikely mixture of people really, not the average types you’d expect to see in the same band… so we thought Gazpacho, which really is the bastard of soups (meshed up vegetables served cold), was the perfect name for our group(…)With Gazpacho you get a surprise, something unexpected, something out of the norm, a ‘positive’ contradiction. We feel this describes our band very well.back 

Which begs the question: was Minestrone or Cream of Mushroom were already taken as band names?

Roy Funner played bass on the finished recordings of the band, though he wasn’t part of the writing process. For the drum tracks a computer was used.

For two years the band worked on a concept album Random Access Memory; a piece of work which they discarded altogether when they felt they had not yet reached the level of musical maturity for such an ambitious project.

untitled

On 15 March 2009 the 5th studio album “Tick Tock” was released on HTW Records a division of Sony BMG. The album is based on the story of French writer and naviator Antoine de Saint-Exupery who took off in an attempt at a long distance flight from Paris to Saigon (1935). He crashed in the Desert many hours later stranded with his co pilot Prevot. Later he recounted his experience in a book called Wind, Sand and Stars and this story forms the basis of the “Tick Tock” album.

The metaphor of a desert walk represented by a ticking clock may not be sublime but by golly the music is in moments. The apathetic underscore of a sweltering almost synthy loop which really is a b4 organ played through a guitar amp and a sequencer brings at first hesitation then desperation then more hesitation and then something happens and you get sucked into a glassy mood.

Almost as if you were walking a long and lonely walk in the desert where there is only you, the stars, wind and sand, the sound of your footsteps softened by the burning sand and heard only through the bones of the body.

“If you are a fan of music that transports you to another place, you will find nothing better!” 

The following video demonstrates the melodic mastery of Gazpacho excellence in this fantastic ode to a utopian childhood fondily remembered in the concluding track to Tick Tock entitled “Winter is Never”

Missa Atropos (2011)

Gazpacho_-_Missa_Atropos

During the Tick Tock Tour on September gigs, pre printed copies of the new album Missa Atropos were available to the audience. Missa Atropos was intended to be another album in the series of films without pictures that they started back in 2007 with “Night”. In other words, a concept album intended to give the listener a chance to take some time off from the world. “Missa Atropos” is a concept taking the idea of Atropos, a Greek Goddess, updating it to the modern world where a man isolated himself from the world in a lighthouse to write a mass for Atropos, tasting true solitude as he does so. The story tells of what happens inside his head, his three attempts to write a mass, with the culmination of Missa Atropos being the final outcome.

December 2010 brought the news that they have licensed “Missa Atropos” to K-Scope in the UK The  album was accompanied by a 12 gig tour in 5 different countries in January / February 2011. One of those countries was the UK where the London gig at Dingwalls 30 January was recorded and released on 24 October as the double live CD called London. (another one I have to put on my list.)

March of Ghosts (2012–2013)

untitled

The end of 2011 brought news that “March Of Ghosts” would be the band’s 7th studio album and the follow-up to “Missa Atropos”. While as mentioned “Missa Atropos” was a long story about one person leaving everything behind, “March of Ghosts” is a collection of short stories. The idea behind the album was to have the lead character spend a night where all these ghosts (dead and alive) would march past him to tell their stories. Characters include Haitian war criminals, the crew of the Marie Celeste, a returning American WWI soldier who finds himself in 2012 and the ghost of an English comedy writer who was wrongly accused of treason. They are short stories. They are a march of ghosts. They are tales that need to be told. The new album ‘March Of Ghosts’ was released on Kscope 12 March 2012 and was accompanied by a tour March / April 2012 tour As a support to the album and the upcoming tour, on 10 March the band’s first official video/clip is released. The song “Black Lilly” features footage from an idea by Antonio Seijas, who’s also the artist responsible for all the album artwork from 2005’s “Firebird” and onward. Two months later the 2nd official video is a fact, a clip directed and edited by James Jones Morris supporting the song ‘What Did I Do?’. A song that’s based around the story of the English writer P. G. Wodehouse, who was accused of treason after a series of broadcasts he did on German radio during WWII. He was interned as a foreign national by the Germans and spent some time in prison camp before finally being released at 60. After he was released he stayed for some time at a country estate where he was informed of what crimes the Nazis were guilty of and how impossibly stupid it was to agree to broadcast on their radio. It is his ghost we hear sitting on the porch listening to the gramophone recordings of the broadcasts trying to understand why these simple funny narratives had caused such an uproar.

Since the release of this album, I’ve become good facebook friends with artist Antonio Seijas. Whereas Roger Dean covers for Yes are like the prog rock equivalent of a Michelangelo or a Rembrandt, Seijas’s cover are like a prog version of an abstract Vincent Van Gogh. His enigmatic style and shadowy themes are so addictive, that I’m almost attempted to ask him to design my Deposit Man hardcover limited edition collection of the entire ten issues. IF I ever get around to doing that project in my lifetime. I’m also a big fan of the artwork he provided for Marillion two-volume CD set  of “Happiness is The Road” back in 2008

I wasn’t really that thrilled with this recorded effort. A lot of the songs composed were too soft and dreary which didn’t have that much punch to them other than the four song bookend series entitled “Hell Freezes Over I-IV.” (which could be considered as a prologue to the next album’s theme) It’s not one that I go back to listen as much as I do the others in my collection.

514qaLw-gmL

DEMON 2014

In late 2013, the band announced via their Facebook page that they had finished recording their 8th studio album, Demon, due to be released in 2014. Demon was released in March 2014 and the band toured the UK and Europe in support of it in April 2014.

Very difficult, but yet brilliantly crafted album to sit through although the instrumentation takes you through many twists and turns. It’s subject is the most disturbing of all their previous conceptual themes. Vocalist Ohme claims it’s based on some of his father’s of someone relying of a story about an ancient parchment found in a loose brick of a supposedly rumored haunted house that is the map to hell and a journal that accompanies it, You could almost make comparisons between the protagonist of this tale with Rael’ s labyrinth journey to seek his brother John in Genesis Lamb Lies Down on Broadway except with more horrific results. No matter regardless, I considered Demon as my favorite album of last year it’s a difficult experience for me since this was the very last album I got to listen on my friend, Harry Perzigian’s surround sound stereo just after he shifted off the mortal plane. Just as the sound explodes in a miasma of ghostly fury, my personal demons are rewarded by a sweet and short cacophony of lyrical conclusion of “The Cage” in similar format explored on “Tick Tock”

The single from the album (and there had to be one, considering the other three main track are over ten minutes in length,), “Wizard of Altai Mountain”sort of has a covert secret childhood decoder ring mode to it, it’s been edited down from its original four and a half-minute length to not include the bombastic polka dance, originally played on accordion that concludes the number, but is replicated live by keyboardist Thomas Anderson when performed on tour.

This album also highlights additional member Mikeal Kromer’s (on violin and mandolin) finest moments.

cover_5830162732015_r

Gazpacho released a live CD/DVD album titled Night of the Demon in April 2015 (and I still haven’t got to watching the DVD performance in its’ entirety yet). Gazpacho will also be touring in October/November 2015 in support of the album Molok (Kscope; 23 October 2015). The band will be joined on the tour by chamber progressive band Iamthemorning.

And they’ve launched a stream of lead track Know Your Time from the follow-up to 2014 studio album Demon and later live package Night Of The Demon.

The following is reprinted from their Kscope artist profile page describing the new album:

“Keyboardist Thomas Andersen says: “Molok is about a man who, sometime around 1920, decides that wherever anyone worships a God, they always seem to be worshipping stone in some form. Whether it’s a grand cathedral, the stone in Mecca or Stonehenge, God seems to have been chased by his worshipers into stone, never to return.

“This harkens back to Norwegian folk myths, where, if a troll was exposed to sunlight, it would turn to stone. But it also reflects the way God has been incommunicado for a very long time.”

The record features a guest appearance by Norwegian music archaeologist Gjermund Kolltveit, who plays recreations of stone age instruments on the closing track Molok Rising.

Molok will be issued via Kscope and is available to pre-order on CD and vinyl. The band will tour Europe in October with labelmates Iamthemorning”

So far, tracks “The Master’s Voice” and “The Choir of Ancestors” are my favorites at the moment.

I hope the above will entice to check this incredible talented sextet. And remember, if it hadn’t been for that one Marillion weekend….