THE HARRY PERZIGIAN JOKEBOOK

15 Nov
031
 Today would’ve been my best friend’s 60th birthday – rather than go through the usual rigmarole of rehashing everything that has happened before, I’m going to go all Captain Light of Heart today and just share with you some of these unopened e-mails that Harry sent me that have been lying around forever. I thought to myself, ‘why not put these to better use and share them with the rest of your blog audience, who seem to have nothing to do than to park their ass on this ONE SINGLE BLOG ENTRY, “ONE MOURNING LATER IN THE EXTRAORDINARY AFTERLIFE OF HARRY PERZIGIAN” which as of this posting has 427 reads.
OK, OK, I get it – you all love Harry Perzigian – OR you hate his worm chewed decomposing guts – BUT the facts remains: YOU WANT MORE HARRY PERZIGIAN!! You appreciate reading about him on this amateur blog hour more than you appreciate my blog postings about my Yes Blogs, Heroes of K-Scope Music, My Deposit Man Comic Book updates, or my dirty dealings with washed up porn star drug addicts (speaking of which, an idea just sprung to mind of doing some research into the life of another failed porn actress that used to live with Harry by the name of Danielle Martin and make a blog out of that one day).
I tried to change my ways, I truly did. BUT since you can’t stop logging on that same fucking post day after day after day – I’m just going to have to conform and give you more……HARRY PERZIGIAN.
So in honor of my dearest friend I made in all of Los Angeles, I present to you a few entries from the private e-mail account of  Harry Perzigian.
Joke # 1
Marriage counselor visit

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out
some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.”
The husband says “Well for starters, neither one of us sucks dick.”
Joke # 2

As they arrived for a much-hyped meeting with the President last Friday afternoon, Speaker of the House John Boehner spotted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid approaching just a few steps from the Oval Office. According to “multiple sources,” Boehner pointed his finger at Reid and without any other fanfare said, “Go fuck yourself.” When Reid asked him what he was talking about, Boehner simply repeated his curse and moved on.

Joke # 3

SIMPLE TRUTH #1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.

But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”

Joke # 4

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the assholes’ name.

3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

AND A BONUS RULE:

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!

Joke # 5

.*(I added 1 of my own at the end) hp

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.  It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent  the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it  grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch  except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about  how you call a dog….. ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,  Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat..’Bun-bun, come to daddy,  snookums!’ Jeeez, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured,  you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw  oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking  lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet;  he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as  Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Frappe’ or a  ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different  types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be  handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his  brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out Chartreuse you’re  gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you  are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to  tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs  that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or  hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the  verge of being a pillow-biting salami smuggler.

AND..if you refer to “NOOKIE DAY” as “VALENTINES DAY” you are a turd-burgularing nut-sniffer

Joke # 6 (well, technically not really a joke, but Harry makes a funny observation at the end)

Have you ever..

…wondered why Coke comes with a smile? Because it gets you  high. They removed the cocaine almost 100 years ago. Why? It was  redundant.

In the first 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor,
allowing you to keep it down.

20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its  hands on into fat. (And there’s plenty of that at this  particular  moment.)

40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your  pupils dilate; your blood pressure rises; as a response, your liver dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your  brain are now  blocked, preventing drowsiness.

45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production,  stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is  physically the same way  heroin works, by the way.

60 minutes: The phosphoric acid  binds calcium,  magnesium, and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a  further boost in  metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and  artificial sweeteners  also increasing the urinary excretion of  calcium.

60 minutes: The caffeine’s  diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured  that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium, and zinc that was headed to  your bones as well as  sodium, electrolytes, and water.

60 minutes: As the rave inside you dies down, you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become  irritable and/or sluggish.  You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that  was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for  things like rehydrating your system, or building strong bones and teeth.

I wonder what else coke can do?

And lastly, Joke # 7

 

homo slackass

They are referred to as “homo slackass-erectus” created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing and spasmodic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to emulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The “drag-crotch” shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately most are highly fertile.

 

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2 Responses to “THE HARRY PERZIGIAN JOKEBOOK”

  1. Kent Anderson February 24, 2017 at 1:35 pm #

    i am a Harry Perzigian fan ,as well as Hugh O’Connor.Thank you for posted info about Harry’s demo tapes .What is the chances of getting a copy of Harry’s demo cd that was featured in another article?

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