A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out
some problems. The counselor sits them on the couch and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.”
As they arrived for a much-hyped meeting with the President last Friday afternoon, Speaker of the House John Boehner spotted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid approaching just a few steps from the Oval Office. According to “multiple sources,” Boehner pointed his finger at Reid and without any other fanfare said, “Go fuck yourself.” When Reid asked him what he was talking about, Boehner simply repeated his curse and moved on.
Joke # 3
SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, “Congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say, “Good job”.
Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.”
Joke # 4
THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the assholes’ name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband!
Joke # 5
.*(I added 1 of my own at the end) hp
THE MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog….. ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat..’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeez, you’re so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as fairy as Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Frappe’ or a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too..
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out Chartreuse you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.
8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a pillow-biting salami smuggler.
AND..if you refer to “NOOKIE DAY” as “VALENTINES DAY” you are a turd-burgularing nut-sniffer
Joke # 6 (well, technically not really a joke, but Harry makes a funny observation at the end)
Have you ever..
…wondered why Coke comes with a smile? Because it gets you high. They removed the cocaine almost 100 years ago. Why? It was redundant.
In the first 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor,
allowing you to keep it down.
20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (And there’s plenty of that at this particular moment.)
40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate; your blood pressure rises; as a response, your liver dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked, preventing drowsiness.
45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production, stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium, and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
60 minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium, and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolytes, and water.
60 minutes: As the rave inside you dies down, you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like rehydrating your system, or building strong bones and teeth.
I wonder what else coke can do?
And lastly, Joke # 7